Will he be able to walk? Will he be able to talk? Will he be able to learn? Hear? See? And run? These questions run through my mind as if I pressed the repeat button on a cd player. Literally, every day, not long goes before one of these questions enters my mind. Then, what usually follows is a series of intense emotions- fear, pain, grief, sadness, anger. I find myself growing bitter towards those who have healthy children. They never have to worry about those things. They go about their day, posting casual photos on facebook... "Oh, Johnny found his toes." Great. "Johnny is rolling over." Great. "Johnny is walking." Great. Great. Great. It's SO embarrassing. Really, I shouldn't be this way. But I am. (Sigh) And I really regret having to confess this.
But what God has been doing in my heart is to incredible not to share, so I bare my soul. I'm sure many of you have been or are in the same position as me. I know so many of you reading this have children who have had less than perfect starts. Their lives have been filled with struggles and while little Johnny was finding his toes, our children were struggling to stay alive. You know what it's like to wrestle with these intense emotions. And maybe you're like me, finding yourself confused as to how to process these emotions in light of your faith.
People, usually those who have no clue what it's like to watch your child suffer, say things like, "Look how far he's come," and "He's going to be fine." And yet, those questions continue to repeatedly play. Over and over again. Again and again. Never-ending.
I know we are so blessed- Pierce eats great and as of now, has fairly minor issues. We know how blessed we are that he has overcome great odds to make it home to us. But we are also so very aware that we are still in the beginning stretch of a marathon. We have come so far, yet have so far to go. So many of the above questions will not be answered for several years. Some days it feels like we are in an airplane, circling the ground, unsure of where where we will land. Will it be hot? Cold? Bumpy? Smooth?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that the fear of the unknown can be very overwhelming. But God is teaching me not to fear. To not fear the unknown demonstrates your trust in Him, in His goodness. I am also seeing the fact that I so often get stuck in the mindset that this world is it, so I better make it the best it can be. But that's not so. This world is not final. And because of Christ, this world is the worst that I will experience. So to fear something that is so temporary, so fleeting, reveals the disbelief in my heart.
As I've wrestled through this, I've found my questions have started to subside. They're not gone, and I don't anticipate they will ever be. But they're not as terrifying. They're less intrusive. And instead of the questions, I'm remembering that God is good, He does good and He works things for good. So whatever struggles He allows us to endure, I am trusting that He will grant us the grace to make it through. And while I definitely think that the character of God demonstrates that it is ok to want the best for your child, I also find that it shows that God loves Pierce more than I could possible imagine and He wants what is best. But perhaps my definition of "what's best" has been wrong, not in line with what Scripture teaches. If Pierce can run, jump, laugh, and play but doesn't know Christ, what good is that? (Matthew 16:26) So tonight as I tuck Pierce in, my prayer will continue to be the same that Nik and I have prayed since he was born- that God would heal his entire body- his brain, his lungs, his heart, his eyes, his bones- but more importantly, that Pierce would never know a day apart from Christ. That is my prayer now and always.
Thank you for walking this journey with us.
Lindsay
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I can empathize, really I can! You are so brave to post this and confess your TRUE feelings. I have a lot of the same weird feelings toward other healthy babies and parents and wish I had a crystal ball.
ReplyDeleteI know how hard it is to just wait for him to grow and be able to check off more and more on the milestones road.
You and Pierce are doing awesome! You are blessed and so is Pierce! :)
You articulate what other parents whose babies were not born healthy have felt so well. I remember looking at pictures of people holding their newborns with all their family around them on facebook and feeling so bitter. It just wasn't fair. Later, I would watch people feed their kids so easily while I had to tube feed my own. It just wasn't fair. Now, my former 24 weekers are walking, talking, climbing stairs, coloring, eating, and are healthy. I remember to count my blessings and marvel at the miracles God has given me. Remain faithful but know your feeling are absolutely normal. Best wishes!
ReplyDeleteI know we've talked about this before, but I had to come to the point where even if Jack never reached earthly perfection (who does, anyway?) that my faith would not be shaken. That doesn't mean that I didn't long with every single ounce of my being that Jack would be OK, but I just had to let it go and trust that God would carry us through. Some never walk, talk, climb stairs, color, or eat. But still, they have just as much worth and perfection in God's eyes. It's a constant struggle to see life the way that God see's it and to put my earthly blinders to the side. I don't always succeed, but I'm thankful that my perspective has changed since having Jack.
ReplyDeleteI love you Lindsay! I am constantly praying for you and Pierce and Nik!
ReplyDeleteI am so appreciative of your words, this post. Uncertainty is the worse and I have experienced everything you are describing. But prayer is powerful, God is good and I continue to pray everyday, this experience has really taught me so much....God I accept whatever you put in front of us, I know with your help we will get through it. God will help us with our feelings :)When my babies were first born, I had a friend stay with me to help take care of our oldest, her healthy baby stayed us, it was tough and I felt horrible for feeling bitter.
ReplyDeleteTHIS is a wonderful post! When my twins were born I went through the same emotions. People would say "oh they look great" "look how far they have come", yada yada. Which I agree but "healthy" baby parents just don't understand. Even when someone says "oh my preemie" and I ask how early and they proceed to say 34 weeks or something .. ahh to this day those statements still kill me! So many frustrating things like "at least you didnt get to the "fat" part of pregnancy!" GRR but I wanted that part! Ahh the list goes on!
ReplyDeleteWhen we brought our twins home I remember thinking, how am I "just supposed to love them" like all the docs and nurses said. I had so many questions and worries. But as time went on, it was amazing how God worked on my heart and calmed my fears. No matter the challenges ahead, we will be ready for them. Maybe not without sorrow, but ready to conquer.
It amazes me every day how far my children have come and how I know, without a shadow of a doubt, they are here and alive because of God and answered prayers! Hugs!